It’s Monday, a world acclaimed day of insufferable, a day of lowest motivation possible on the planet but thank god, and I slept in relief because the officials have closed the colleges down today but I had to wake up anyway, which is a completely different story. It’s been raining past few days and to be honest I can’t recall how many, I’m going to take a wild guess and say two. I have been in the thick of myself these past days; I’ve been home for the most part because last week the conflict went through an active regime. A lot of people died, regardless of age; normally I turn a blind eye toward these things because its pain is blunt. There is often an ever present feeling to do address it but my limitations only let me go so far.
Anyway, I have been to college once in last ten days, although we were evacuated from there because students took to streets and marched in the name of all those that were martyred. Hondo and I were the only ones that came, in our section that is; it was not like Doodlebug to miss a college day, it could only be if something serious came up and it worried me sick until I thought being optimistic is probably for the best. Turns out sometimes it does not really help; it’s powerless and skeptical to lead the way.
Midtown café had started pizzas, so Hondo and I took the less conspicuous lanes to avoid any ongoing clashes; he knows the streets like the back of his hand because he lived around here a couple years back. While we were walking, I received a text message from Doodlebug which said that her Dad was sick; she and I have a mutual history of Dad sickness therefore I could really understand the duress she was in but I was also familiar with my helplessness in the said regard. Though this time, it was more than sickness she said, he was in a coma and the doctors couldn’t figure out their next step because he was unresponsive. I was of two opinions; that death is imminent and for someone in such discomfort should finally have peace and that the doctors in Kashmir are terribly unreliable. I believe the latter since I’ve experienced it myself in my father’s condition firsthand. I told Hondo immediately and the two of us walked quietly until we were at the café door. It felt guilty sitting with Hondo while of the knowledge at the same time that our friend needed us right now and I felt helpless as ever; I am familiar with this helplessness from the very beginning, it is a feeling of absolute discomfort when you see someone struggling and you can’t do a darn thing about it.
I’m a very secluded person, I don’t socialize virtually with people that I have a real earthly contact with, and normally it’d mean I meet them every day. By that principle I don’t drop a text, sometimes even when it is absolutely urgent, I’m awfully reluctant and I don’t realize it until it is too late. I care about all of them; I just don’t go out of my way to show it. I wish I did, I regret certain traits that I have and would do away with them in the blink of an eye. I blame my social awkwardness as an excuse to everything that is wrong with me and in various circumstances it is the only cause that justifies everything. For those that are unable to fit in their pea sized brain that there are people on earth that would jump in Jhelum to avoid social confrontation, they judge me and call me arrogant and selfish.
Now, since you’d have guessed I didn’t ask her about her ordeal until it was too late and you can guess that I already regret it a lot more than I’m going to let on; around midnight I received a text message from her cousin and it said that her father had passed away on the morning of 7th April. I’m not sure if it is 7th April because unconsciously you’d think you’re still saying yesterday as the previous day but at midnight it is tricky, it is a day before yesterday. Now I don’t know if her cousin was aware of this fact, if she was then I’m over thinking and it’s just hurtful to think that I care about the date and time while a tragedy like that isn’t going to go away. In the morning, I left a text message for everybody; Hondo, Moody and Blackbeard were as surprised as I was. Moody and Blackbeard suggested that we should go but I was afraid of showing up at a family that was presided over by patriarchs who’d think that three guys showing up at a funeral looking for the deceased’s daughter who is their friend is fishy. Hondo is conscious of his appearance; he is like Ferdinand the bull and people are threatened by his presence. They judge him for something else entirely, not that he cares but anyway he conveyed his condolences through me. I asked Doodlebug’s cousin’s opinion about this and she said it’d be unwise to look for Doodlebug there. There was no point going to the funeral if we couldn’t see our friend, but Blackbeard went there and sat along people that had come along to do the righteous. I thought that was more considerate that anything I’d ever be able to do for her and I know he’d not tell her that he was there; Moody and I dropped text messages and secretly felt guilty about not being able to go, or even make her feel that we were there for her.
I recently learned from a friend that we as humans, to compensate for our lack of emotional stability, to make peace with our reality rather deny what is inevitable and while truth can be ugly sometimes, it is the only thing that saves us from giving ourselves false hope. I’m led to believe that “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies,” but in certain cases it can be damaging, thus quoting Red from Shawshank Redemption: “Hope is a dangerous thing.” This friend of mine had a meltdown about a year and a half later after her mother died. To quote her, “I did not accept her death until now.” She had shut herself down from everyone and embraced the sudden gravity of the truth that her mother was beyond any realm that could be transcended in order to bring her back. I wanted to tell this to Doodlebug, that don’t deny that someone you loved so much isn’t with you anymore rather accept it and work on it if you have to but do not lose the sight of what’s real. I wanted her to know that I am going to listen to her, help her accept and it is damaging to hope that he will ever come back.